Push Play

There is something about music. I'm not sure what it is, but there is just something about it that brings me to complete peace. I can be having the worst day... but when I pick up the guitar I know I will be fine. Maybe it's because I can express myself better through songs than I can just through plain words. It amps everything up a bit. Sometimes I'm scared to say what's on my mind in fear that it will push someone away. But if I put it in a song? No, that's easy. I can get it all out. What I'm thinking, the feeling... I read earlier that music is what feelings sound like. So when I sing, when I pick up that yamaha that was absolutely worth my graduation money even though I can hardly play, I know I can get my feelings out. Tonight was an amazing night for singing. After my 2 hour class I went to this place at my school we call the Gardens. There are two small buildings facing each other that give new meaning to acoustics. I stepped in there and started singing, did not care who was walking by, I just sang for me. It's crazy how the peacefulness just washes through my entire body. I never want it to end. That's my favorite place. I can go there and just get my feelings up in the air through music. I don't have a "quiet" place. I have a musical place. Feeling frustrated? Go to the Gardens and sing. Feeling overly excited? Go to the Gardens and sing. That building will have my footsteps permanently imprinted by the time I'm done with this school. Music. It cures me. It mends my broken soul. It is who I am. 

Just Another Day in Utah

There are moments in life that I just want to freeze forever. I've had a lot of those just in the past weekend. 

I saw my mom for the first time since December 3 last night. That was one of those moments. Today we ate lunch together and basically talked about life. I shared a lot with her about my New Testament class and all of the things that I'm learning in it. It's great because she was a convert at 17 and there is a lot she still does not know. I love that I can share things with her. One of the things we were talking about? Having faith. Having faith that when it all goes wrong, maybe it's things going RIGHT in the long run. Having faith in ourselves and our beliefs. Having faith that we will understand everything one day, that even though it may not make sense now, it will all fall together eventually. 

I started to think about my life today and how it would be if I would not have gone to Idaho. If I would not have stayed in Georgia for the rest of my senior year. Someone asked me today, "So why BYU-Idaho?" 

It was as I was pondering this question that I realized, had I not come to Idaho, I would have fallen away. It's a truth I hate to think about, but it's a truth none the less. I am humble enough to admit that I would not have had the strength at that point in my life to live somewhere that did not have the honor code. Even if I was in provo I do not think that I would have grown as much spiritually as I have here. I realized how blessed I am to have so many guidelines to follow. There may be times when I really take them for granted, but if I step back and look at the big picture, I have become stronger, better than I was before I got here. I can go places and not worry about whether I will be strong enough to resist things. I know people say they don't like Rexburg because it's too sheltered, but we will never get another experience to live life where the same thing is expected from each person, and people are actually willing to follow it, again. It's helped me develop a new respect for myself and see the great things that I am capable of. 

And Georgia? If I would have moved back to Arizona, it would have meant disaster for me. I would have felt obligated to hang out with the same people I had been friends with before, not to say they are bad people because they were all each amazing, but they led the life that I knew I couldn't lead any longer. There would have been no possibilities of a Rexburg. There would have been higher chances of me falling away. I'm so lucky that I had a family kind enough to extend their hand to me and let me stay with them when I needed to be in Georgia. I cannot believe the amazing luck I have had. It's not luck at all, in fact. It's pure blessings. I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve, and I am forever in debt. 

How Have I Progressed?

I turn 19 years old today. It makes me wonder, what have I done for 19 years? Have I changed anyones life? Have I progressed? After all, progression is what this life is all about, right?

I was in New Testament Wednesday night when we were turning through John. We talked about many things, but there were specific things that stuck. We spoke of the sacrament. What a promise it is that we make each time we partake of the sacrament... We promise to love the savior, and what he has done for us, and to keep his commandments. That doesn't mean to pick and choose. That doesn't mean "well i go to church every sunday, so I'm in the clear... it's not the end of the world if I keep making this wrong choice, after all, its not that bad..." No, this means that we will strive to be like Him. That we will turn to him and ask for forgiveness when we stray. Our God is a forgiving God, and his son has made it possible for us to take that forgiveness and be clean.
What about after Christ initiated the sacrament? He is about to do the single most important act in the entire universe, that will ever happen. And what do they do before? They sing a hymn...
Brother Walquist asked us to think about what hymn we would want to sing with Christ before he went and paid for the Worlds sins. He then had one man read his favorite verse from the song he would sing...
Lead Kindly light. He started to read the words, then another woman had to continue to read it for him as he was overcome with emotion...

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. 
Remember not past years.


I myself started crying as I read these words. We then turned to How Great Thou Art.
What a song! How Great is He? This man, who paid for the sins of not just this world, but the Universe... He is Great. Last we turned to Be Still My soul...

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful wil remain.
Be still, my soul: THy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


I could not help the tears. I could not stop thinking about this man. How could someone love ME this much? After all the pain I caused him, how could he do this for ME?

Brother Walquist invited us to take a walk with him, as the apostles of Christ, giving some of us the title of Peter, or James, or John. We went out into the cold and no one was to say a word. We brought our scriptures with us and were opened to Joseph Smith Translation. Brother Walquist told the 8 apostles (most of the class) to wait at the "gate" and took the 3 others with him, I being among the "three"... We then read the verse where it explains that the apostles had doubt in their hearts, asking themselves "is this The Messiah?" And then Jesus rebuked them.
Brother Walquist then turned to us and said "How is it that you have doubt? You KNOW who I am. You've seen so many miracles. You have heard the voice of God. You know me..."
I couldn't help the tears from spilling over. How dare I doubt that Jesus is the Messiah? As I walked back to the classroom, this was the question in my head.
I have seen the miracles of his hand in my life, and those that I love. I have seen him change the hearts of men. I have felt the witness of the truthfulness of his life, and the atonement. I have FELT the atonement working in my life. So how dare I doubt? i KNOW. I know that Christ lives. I know that I belong to his true church that has the restored gospel, the only church that has the fulness of the Gospel. I know my Father lives. I have a testimony of these things. I will never falter away. How can I doubt?
The answer is, I should not. There is no good reason to do so. So I will not.

I am 19 years old. What have I done so far in my life, to be more like He who has gone through so much to give me a life filled with love and truth, and light?

I Walk The Line

Johnny Cash. One of the world's greatest artists. In my opinion at least...
I've had a cover of "Walk The Line" on for the past 30 minutes.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line





This song is pure bravery. To feel this way about someone means to risk being hurt by someone. I've been hurt all my life, not through relationships, but I've had my fair share of pain. I keep a close watch on this heart of mine... For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide. Wow I want someone to say that to me. That is dedication, my friends!


I'm sitting in the Library, procrastinating reading my assignment for New Testament. I cannot wait to go to class tonight though. I always get the best epiphanies in that class. It always makes me want to change. Better yet, it helps me see that I always can. That we all can. I'm counting on that. 

Those days that make me smile

I woke up this morning dying of tiredness due to lack of sleep. I have a serious problem with going to bed early. But I was able to get my hair done and it was just dandy. I was so excited with how it turned out! Lovely. Afterwards I dropped my car off at the Jeep dealership because good ol' Betsey is clearly having a hard time functioning, I could barely start the car today. The dealership let me take a shuttle to the BYU-I library and I was able to grab some food and say hi to my friends, and study of course. I then went to sociology and had a pop-quiz. Those things are disintegrating my grade. Problems? I think yes.
We talked about racism and prejudice and whatnot, and I have decided I am going to solve the "gap" so I can win the nobel piece prize. Yep, I dream big.
I then walked to FHE, but it was a beautiful day so I didn't mind. It was my job to come up with an activity, and with the help of some fellow third-floor-goers, I decided to introduce the game of Smurf. It was a highly entertaining Family Home Evening to say the least. Afterwards I headed over to my friend Jessica's. I always have fun when I go over to her house even when we just watch the Bachelor (tonight was my first night watching it this season AND it was the finale. oops) and hand out back massages to everyone. T'was a lovely night indeed.
I've realized how important it is to have friends. I've always kind of stayed away from having any girl friends because some form of drama always ends up happening and I get sucked into it and lose a lot more than just a friend, but I've definitely found some amazing people that I don't have to worry about as far as drama, who I know will be there for me if I need them, and have been whether they know it or not. I'm grateful for those who have reached out to me and helped make my time in Rexburg a time to remember.

Those Days Where We Feel We Can't Go On...

Today was another Sunday when I woke up. Brushed my teeth, my hair, got ready and headed to church. It was stake conference. To be blatantly honest, I've never been able to pay much attention during stake conferences. I find my mind wondering and look at the clock repetitively throughout the entire two hours. Today was different. I started out with a prayer with my roommate Shannon. I knew that if I asked for the ability to listen and hear what I needed to hear, I would. And I did. There were things that were said that I needed to hear. I needed to hear about how I need to make time to attend the temple. I needed to hear more about how important the family is. I needed to hear that it will all be okay as long as we align our wants with our Heavenly Fathers wants for us. 

I've been thinking a lot about serving a mission. It comes up a lot in casual conversations I have with other members. It's going to be two years from this coming Thursday that I can actually serve. I'm not sure exactly where I will be in life, but I know that I want to keep that as a possibility if other factors do not step in to the equation. 

Tonight was a bit harder. It's when I'm not around people that I feel down. I don't know why I've always been like that. Maybe it's because throughout my life I feel like I've had people coming and going and would just like a little consistency. I don't feel like I really have a place I can call my own home. I lived in Georgia my senior year, but halfway through my mom had to move back to Arizona and I chose to stay behind. I have no family in Georgia. But because I was not living in Arizona or California where my Dad lives, I do not feel like I have anything to go back to. I feel like I'm going for a visit. 

Rexburg has become more of my home than anywhere, but there's still that lack of consistency, of people coming and going. Blast this track system, it will be the death of me. But one thing that is consistent in my life is the church. No matter where I go, it stays the same. It is organized the same. I know I'm wanted there. That is where the home is perfected. That is what my future family will be centered on. I'm grateful that I have such a great truth in my life, and something that is not going to change and leave me feeling alone and with nowhere to run. I'm grateful that I know I have a Savior that I can go to. It's these days that I'm thankful for having, because it makes the others even better.